20 Lessons from 20 years of Marriage

 

We celebrated a milestone in our married life this month. 20 years ago, we started our journey together as a family. We started our love and life together. We didn’t have anything common, but God kept us together. Differences were our strength. We grew older together. Three countries, two continents, three kids, different jobs, different cultures, plenty of friends and relationships. It has not always been a smooth road, but God gave us strength to continue this adventurous trip by walking together. Life is a learning process and we learn new lessons every day. This is true with the marriages too. Here I am trying to share some of the lessons I learned during last 20 years. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying we are a perfect couple practicing all these lessons. All these are taught by Holy Spirit during this journey. Some of them we are still praying about, some are those we learned from our mistakes, some we are working on  while others are those I wish I had learned it way earlier.


1. God’s Plan is the best. 

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11 

I have a lot of friends who got surprised when they came to know that mine was an arranged marriage. Ours was literally an arranged one in all its means. We never talked each other (except once when we first met for less than 5 minutes) and we didn’t know each other before marriage. We started our life and love after marriage. So people, including my kids, ask me how you managed to live with a stranger. Now when I look back and I know I had other options, I never regret my marriage. I still don’t think I would have made another better choice if I chose another option. Because I know that was God’s plan. I used to pray for finding me a better half, I remember my mom used to pray for our future. That’s why I believe God chose my husband for me, and HIS choice is the best. Don’t get me wrong, that I am against love marriages. I am all about knowing each other before getting married. But always ask God’s will before you make a decision.



2. Keep Christ as the head of your family

“But I want you to realize that the head of every man is Christ, and the head of the woman is man, and the head of Christ is God.” 1 Corinthians 11:3

 Family is one of God’s greatest gifts to us. Live life together with God keeping HIM as the Head of your family. Allow God to be an active part of your lives, as we do with other members of our family. Take time together to talk about our faith and spirituality especially with our kids. Pray together and ask God to guide you and show the right way. Always ask HIS will before taking important decisions in your life. Sometimes things may not happen same way as we expected, but if it’s God’s will, he will definitely find a way to for you to come out of the situation. 

3. Never put anyone above God

“Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth.” Colossians 3:1-4

 

Even when we say Christ is the center of my family, there are often times when we embrace other things above him. It can be worldly things that we give more importance. And often we don’t even realize that they are our priorities, unless we take time to analyze ourselves. Do not give a place above God to anything or anyone. I have heard people saying, “My hubby is everything to me, I just want him to long live with me, nothing else I care.” Never put your spouse above God. God set you apart. Long before your spouse loved you. God loved you first. This reality puts things in the right perspective. This will help your marriage to strengthen and go in right direction.

  

4. You are unique

 "Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves.” Philippians 2:4

  

Comparison is human nature, and it is the most dangerous thing that would affect your personal and family life. Your family is made by God and is for you only. Comparing with others and trying to make it look like others can eventually lead to either guilt, anger, shame or pride and self boasting. Either way it’s not healthy physically, emotionally and above all spiritually. Like the above verse says, consider others above yourselves and love each other as God loves us. Each family is unique in its own way. The way something works in one family may not work in the same way with others. Find out your uniqueness. Never look at others and think you would have been happier if you do as they did. Find your own ways of joy in your marriage. Some couples may do a huge planned world trip to celebrate their joy, where as your way of happiness could  be a day staying home and watching a movie together  . Be content and satisfied on your own joys and be thankful always.

  

5. You are not the owner

 “Indeed heaven and the highest heavens belong to the LORD your God, also the earth with all that is in it.” Deuteronomy 10:14

Always remember the ownership of your life, family and everything you possess belongs to God. We are just managers, not owners. We are accountable for whatever God has entrusted with us. So we must be careful in taking care of his possessions. Also we don’t have to worry about fixing all our problems, because God has never gave up HIS ownership. So we have a great owner to whom we can escalate our problems . When we forget that, that’s when we feel scared, insecure or stressed. As with everything in human lives, in marriage too, give the ownership to God. If He is the one who made you as a family, he will provide you with everything. Do not worry about your problems, it sometimes can be huge that we think, it’s impossible to solve, but give to God’s hand and relax. He owns it and he will show you a way.

 

6. Never give up

“Each of you should continue to live in whatever situation the Lord has placed you, and remain as you were when God first called you. This is my rule for all the churches.” 1 Corinthians 7: 17

Never use the D word (Divorce) in your marriage life. Always believe once you are together by God, you don’t have the option at all to end your marriage. There could be days where you think, you can see only darkness ahead and things will look like it’s not going to be solved. But never give up. Because you have a God who promised you to be with you even in the valley of darkness. Only thing you have to do is keep on walking, instead of staying still or turning back. Our sovereign God who knows the number of hairs on our heads is fully aware of every aspect of the current situation you are in. Even if we’ve made choices that have brought us to difficult places, He promises to work all things out for our good


7. Satan can intrude unexpectedly

"Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.” James 4:7

Life can be going smoothly as you wish and unexpectedly things can turn around too.  Remember, Satan is always looking a way to intrude into your life. It could be in the form of an illness or death, financial problem or something that we never expected in our life. Chances are we will look into our problems and forget our faith, which is exactly Satan wants. But if we are expecting someone who will attack you, we would be prepared. So be prepared, never forget Satan can attack you in the form of trials in your life. Always remember, nothing in this world should pull you away from God. Trust your lord and always direct your heart towards him.


8. Pray together

“Devote yourselves to prayer, being watchful and thankful” Colossians 4:2

The most powerful tool with you is Prayer. Use that tool nonstop to save, protect and strengthen your marriage. It is the most important weapon against the enemy too. Make it a routine in your daily life to pray together as a family. Also find your personal prayer time and time to pray together with your spouse before you go to bed or anytime that is convenient for both of you. , thanking God for all his blessings he gave you for the day. Pray for your spouse, pray to help you to accept them as they are, pray for God’s grace in your family life, Pray to fill your life with HIS love and Peace. . Prayer works wonders.


9. Don’t always expect a perfect picture

“The Sovereign LORD is my strength; He makes my feet like the feet of a deer, He enables me to tread on the heights.” Habakkuk 3:19.

It is human nature to always look into a perfect picture. Like the stories we read, don’t always expect a happily ever after marriage life. Days could be different in many ways. There could be days when you don’t even see your spouse or kids because you had a busy day at work. Or some days things don't work as you expected and the plans may go in vain. But that’s not the end of the world. Life is expected to be with bumps and crossroads. Submit your day to God and be thankful for what you have. God uses our circumstances to shape and grow us. Be thankful you for what you have and don’t whine about the stress part. Tomorrow you can make it up. Perfection may not be always possible.


10. Give 100%

“But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:8.

We have often heard that marriage is 50-50 deal. It’s always meant to be equally divided, in other word fair share. But I would say it is a 100-100 deal. When we are keeping God as our center and following his paths, don’t we have to do what he did to us? His love was not selfish, but was sacrificial. We didn’t give him anything, but HE gave us HIS life. No matter what we do, He gives us 100 percent. He gives us love even when we don't deserve it. Give your 100 percent to make your marriage successful. Don’t wait for your spouse’s 50 percent to make it complete. But put your 100 percent effort to make it a happy and God centered family.


11. Forgive not 7 times but 700 times

“Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” Ephesians 4:32.

Bible says forgive not 7, but 70 times. But God forgives us every day how many times. It is countless. So don’t count how many time you forgive your spouse. Or how many times you have to take initiative to compromise an argument. But think of God’s forgiveness towards you. If someone says sorry, it doesn’t mean you did something wrong, but it means you are giving more value to that relationship than the other person.


12. Never go to bed with anger

“In your anger do not sin”. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.” Ephesians 4:26.

Being that said, never ever go to sleep without compromising the fight between husband and wife. The night without compromise gives more opportunity for Satan to work on you. It will add on to your anger, frustrations and will harm your relationship more. So never make the wound go deeper, but always try to heal as soon as possible. If you have a habit of praying together before going to bed, try to say a prayer even though you are angry each other. This will help ease the situation and talk each other.


13. Never try to change your spouse for you

“Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.” Romans 12:10

God has made each person in his own image and has given him some basic characters. When we say marriage is an adjustment and we have to change to adjust, don’t expect your spouse to change for you. Look into our own life and see where we need to change. Doesn’t matter if you are married for 2 year or 20 year, there could be some traits that your spouse doesn’t like and you never want to change. Sometimes some little things in our behaviors can affect our marriage.  So before changing your husband or wife, change yourself. Ask God to help you to look into you and help to change so that it may please God.


14. Appreciation and Encouragement are inevitable

“We always thank God for all of you and continually mention you in our prayers.” 1 Thessalonians 1:2

Appreciation and Encouragement are the words that we often forget as our marriage grow older. We take it granted the things that our spouses do for us or we don’t see it with a thankful heart. But on the other hand it’s easier to find a fault and criticize. But Criticism tears down a marriage, while appreciation builds up a relationship. The words of appreciation will make a big difference,no matter you are 25 or 60 years old. Gratitude is an essential ingredient in any relationship, but it takes intentional efforts  and time to put it into practice. Gratitude increases love, fun, and forgiveness.


15. Never compromise on prayer and worship

“But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. “ Matthew 6:33

As we our families get older and busier, and when we are juggling 100 things at a time to keep everything straight, there would always be a tendency to miss less important things. Never let that be your family prayer time or your Sunday worship time. Worshiping together is  the time for your family to grow spiritually and have a relationship with God. Sunday could be your only day to sleep little longer or to catch up on your chores. But remember, this is the time that you are investing on your kids and your family, it is worth to skip some of your other activities so that you don’t have to compromise on your family prayer time or Sunday worships.


16. Be slow to respond

“Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.” James 1:19.

We have always heard the advice of ‘Speak Up’. But I would say it’s sometimes better not to respond, especially when we are in anger. Something we know is that we have zero control over how other people speaks to us or act towards us.  But always remember we are human and no one is perfect.Because of this truth, you are going to hurt your spouse and your spouse is going to hurt you. Conversations can lead to tough arguments and harsh words. But be cautious how we respond, sometimes just not responding at all or wait till situation gets calmer will make a difference. And yes it is not always easy. But you can make it by taking your hurts and problems to God. Pray for giving you wisdom, to forgive those who hurt you and move forward.

17. You are not always right 

"The way of fools seems right to them, but the wise listen to advice.” Proverbs 12:15.

As the verse says, don’t be a fool thinking that you are always right, especially when it comes to our marriages. It’s okay to admit that you were wrong and take your spouse’s or others wise opinions. Try to imagine yourself in your spouse’s shoes and think of what would you do if it was you. Sometimes it’s our pride or anger that stop us from accepting our mistakes. Think calmly and pray to God that he will change your mind to accept the advice and acknowledge and learn from your mistakes.


18. We are aging

“Do not say, “Why were the old days better than these?” For it is not wise to ask such questions.” Ecclesiastes 7:10.

The needs and priorities of our life in our early years of marriage may not remain same as years pass. Acknowledge the fact that as we grow older, our priorities and needs will change. The roles we handle will be different as our marriage get older. We started as just husband and wife, then we change to parents, then eventually to grandparents. And even as parents, the situations will change as they transition from kids to teen to adults. There might be situations where we give our priorities to our kids rather than our spouses. Also the struggles and responsibilities are different. Our lifestyles may change. But those are all God given duties. So always be prepared to the change of roles. But never trade God’s place in your priority list with anything else. Always listen to God’s word and obey HIS desires for you and your family while making decisions in your changing roles.

 

19. Preserve your romance

“May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth.” Proverbs 5:18.

As we said earlier, our priorities and needs may change, but never ignore your role when you started your life together. It may not be possible to spend time together as you did in your earlier years, but try always to find some time together. It could be doing something together like a morning walk or doing a late night grocery shopping just two of you. While you handle one million things every day, it’s not easy to find some time for just you and your spouse. Take some intentional efforts to cultivate such habits. Take time to rejoice in your spouse and be thankful for your blessings.

 

20. Live today, don’t plan too ahead

“Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I entrust my life.” Psalm 143:8.

We spend so much time getting ready for our future, stressing over what hasn’t happened, and setting plans for what’s next that we forget to live in the moment. When I look back, I never have imagined being what I’m now. God always had plans for me. Most of the time our plans don’t align with God’s plan. So enjoy your life today, Praise God in all your way, submit yourselves in Lord’s hand, he will plan a road map for your life. You just have to walk through it holding HIS hands.